Looking Backward for Security

Thoughts on Young Love

I am but three months away from the commencement of my twenty-fifth year. The quarter-century mark is not only a milestone in the sense that we admit that we've lived over 25% of our lives, but also a milestone in new beginnings as a new season of life sweeps over and carries us forward. In short, people just change and no one is an exception.

Some of these changes are sad ones, like the realization that Santa won't be coming to see you, that your labor is not guaranteed or likely to be your own, and that unlimited slices of pizza are a thing of the past. Others are fun, like taking responsibility, freedom of travel, and intellectual maturity. Most of them, I've found, are just incidental and merely interesting to note. Puppy love is one of those things. Below I've listed ten thoughts on young love as it was (past-tense) in my experience. Perhaps you have some thoughts of your own.

1) A girlfriend's arch nemesis is a video game.

2) Your first true love is like a can of Altoids. Intense and so refreshing that you think nothing can stop it. Then, very suddenly you find yourself with an empty tin and a sheet of tissue paper that vividly describes the now-missing product. Eventually you put quarters and dimes in the tin to make it somehow useful and carry on as usual.

3) No matter how much you think you can make it work, you probably just can't make it work. Trying to fall in love with someone at 19 is like trying to fit a square peg into a triangle hole. The more you try the more beat-up both get. Wait for the triangle peg. Wherever the heck it is...

4) Remember that first kiss? That was nice. Unless, of course, it was just awkward. Often this is the case.

5) Getting to know new girls is fun (and for a while it is super fun). Eventually, getting to know one even more than any of the rest seems like a better idea.

6) Girls from north-eastern NC are trouble. Ok, maybe that's just my experience. (I'm mostly kidding).

7) Girls giggle a lot. This is incredibly attractive to 19 year old men. It is intolerable to most 21 year old men. I'm not sure what triggers the change.

8) Our sense of smell has the strongest power to conjure memory recall. If you don't want to remember a girl, avoid taking note of her perfume.

9) "I love you," in youth, is as easy to say as "I like mustard better than mayonnaise" or "Bunnies have fuzzy ears."

10) A song that has meaning to two young smittin' folks get's 1/4 of it's meaning from the lyrics and 3/4 from something that really, in hindsight, wasn't that profound.

Power-assist Arm

Oh, Dear Blog,

One day I looked in the mirror and thought, "you're kind of a skinny little sucker, you should work out." That was over seven weeks ago and happily, I have been working out regularly ever since. Funny thing is, I'm still a skinny sucker. Some people are just not ever intended to be big and muscular, I don't think. Then there are people like me that just never lift heavy things -- but when they do they get places.
"A sure-fire solution," I thought, "is to just start lifting some heavy things." In light of this I started lifting heavy things even when I'm not working out.

This is all well and good until you realize that lifting heavy things out of context really has a capacity to make you look indefensibly crazy. There is no good excuse for someone walking in to find you holding a chair over your head in one arm or repeatedly lifting a guitar amp in the corner. You just don't say anything. Then you brush your teeth and go to bed.

The Evergreen State

North Carolina glazed over like a honeybun yesterday. No, not with delicious insect by-product, just with regular old winter weather. On my way to work at 7AM I experienced "PT Cruiser on Ice, the Spectacular." There is nothing like skidding down a hill in Raleigh, avoiding other wrecked cars to get your senses buzzing early on. Also I fell on the ice and hurt my hip. All of this has led me swiftly to the conclusion that I am "over" winter. Spring is officially on notice to hurry up and get here.

10 Ways To Annoy People

(these are observations, not a personal playbook)

1) Engage their hazard lights periodically while riding in their car.
2) When dining out, pick your plate up and sniff it loudly and for an uncomfortably long time in front of the wait staff.
3) Paper clip three of four corners on every document you handle.
4) Try to finish every sentence that they say as they're saying it. If you don't know what they're going to say just mumble made up words and repeat them. Smile and nod while doing so.
5) Do push-ups, crunches, or jumping jacks in the elevator. If anyone comments simply state that you're committed to a healthy lifestyle.
6) While engaged in conversation, stare at the other person's eyebrows.
7) Talk with a foreign accent for longer than 3 minutes.
8) Make up a person that the two of you supposedly know. Constantly reference that person even after they confess no knowledge of him/her.
9) In any setting that is not a rural farm, chew on a long piece of straw.
10) Unlock your door, enter the vehicle, and shut your door before unlocking any of the others.